Once upon a time, I was a single,
lonely, twenty something, and by that I mean I still am a single
lonely twenty something. So I decided I should meet some babes, and instead of talking to girls at school or something a normal person would do, I decided to make an online dating profile.
Being on the site for a few months, I
had gone on some sketchy ass dates, and this is one of those dates.
She had blue hair, and a tattoo on her forearm that resembled a two
year old's signature. For some reason, I am pretty sure she liked
flowers, too.
The plan was we were going to meet up
at Denny's, because as I was chattin' her up, I came to find she liked waffles. Also, I was poor as fuck, so grand slams for everyone!
We started asking each other getting to
know you questions, So when she asked what I did I tried to make
“Electronics department store team member” sound like I was the
shit. I did what any self respecting twenty year old boy would do, and lied about how awesome I was.
Things got interesting when I asked
what she did for a Job. She just kind of smiled and said that she
didn't really want to talk about it.
Naturally, I thought that meant she was a drug dealer.
Naturally, I thought that meant she was a drug dealer.
After our food, I ended up going back to her
apartment, cause I guess drug dealers from the internet isn't a red flag for me. We get there and cats. Tons of cats. Like seriously, I can't stress how many cats. For every human in the room, there were at least two cats.
And then I am greeted by her crazy scary room mate.
And then I am greeted by her crazy scary room mate.
She showed me into her room, which was
quite small. There was a computer hooked up to the TV, and a web cam
right next to it. All pretty normal, only for some reason there was a toolbox just chilling on the floor. She put on cartoons, and we just
sat on her bed.
It had only been a few minutes when out
of no where she gets up, and grabs the toolbox. She sits back down, and
asks if I wanted to know what she does for her money.
At this point I was pretty sure the box was full of drugs and drug accessories. But noooope.
I felt like I was Link and this chest
was supposed to be a map or some shit, but instead, Ganondorf thought
it would be hilarious to give me Dildos galore. HOW WILL I KNOW WHERE
I AM WITH DILDOS GALORE?! DAMMIT GANONDORF.
My mind felt like a bucket of gravy.
She said she was an amateur porn star, which made me think about her
and her room mate doing things, which made me want to leave. I ended
up telling her I had to work in the morning, and that I had to go,
which was followed by begs for me to stay the night. In a bed next to
a toolbox full of dildos. With a web cam pointed at said bed.
Over it
Over it
